rejection

is God's Protection.

hurts.

makes me wonder why.

prepares me for the next time.

makes me stronger.

makes me recommit to myself.

makes anger arise.

makes sadness come.

feels bad in the moment.

and grows to be a memory that doesn't.

is a learning experience.

another notch on the belt.

hope was up.

this knocks me down.

but i get up.

don't they say

"it's just another opportunity for yes"

down the line

or

it doesn't mean no

it means

"not right now"

it's all good.

it wasn't meant to be.

not at this time.

not right now.

not with that person

and in that way.

something better is coming.

Universe has my back.

angels are in line

seven behind me

strong and hovering

waiting for the right moment

the right person

to grab gently by the back of the shirt

and take for a ride

with my name on it.

So I worked all weekend. 15 hour days. Sore body. Tired mind. Need to rest a bit; it does not feel like Monday to me.

The cool thing is I was working an outdoor music festival called Sunset Junction. (In one of my other lives I work on the marketing team for O.N.E. coconut water). It was at times boring, stiflingly hot, fun and wonderful. I was able to catch a few bands and that was great. In fact our booth was right by one of the stages, so I got to watch Arrested Development as I was "working". I danced my butt off. They are still, after all these years, such a great band. Genuinely talented musicians and what a mad crazy love vibe they radiate. It was really beautiful watching them, feeling them, build and shape the positivity, drawing people in and winning everybody over. What a joyful show.

Another cool act I caught was Nico Vega http://www.myspace.com/nicovega . Awesome female singer. She was just great. Great voice. Great front woman. She really brought it.

Well, I think that's all for me now. Nasty sewage smell radiating throughout the house, I am afraid to say. Plumbing issues. Moving soon and going on vacation even sooner, so it is ALL GOOD.

The Real Deal

Just did a whole bunch of voices for this project from Loyola Productions. Answered an ad on Craigslist and it turned out to be a blast. It was a cool coincidence because my niece just started a year long commitment with the JVC (Jesuit Volunteer Corps) and this happens to be produced by a Jesuit production company.

The project is called "The Real Deal" and is kind of a series of short tv episodes, like a mini-series, that's going to be used to spark classroom discussion. The premise is that all media (phones, computers, radio / tv stations) somehow get taken over by "The Real Deal", which is some sort of news show that broadcasts sad but true facts about our world, 24/7. Stuff about global warming, violence, sexual assault, consumerism, etc. Every time someone turns on any sort of media, they hear "The Real Deal".

I got to do a bunch of different voices for all the different media-a tv announcer, a few radio DJ's and a computer broadcast. It was so much fun and I was in and out in about 25 minutes.

Not sure if they'll put them on Youtube but I'll post a link if they do!

"Dream Career"

so I always kept a journal as a child. I mean my whole life I kept one. still do. and from here on out, I guess it's public. what a bizarre twist. the thing I always wanted to keep secret but secretly wanted someone to find someday and publish, is now being published, by myself. so i see someday is now...

i don't forsee sharing lots of dark secrets. i think mostly career stuff will be in order. but who knows. maybe i will lay down on this electric page and ride. blogging seems cool, like voiceover. anonymity and exposure working in tandem.

Right now my dog is resting quietly, tired from his walk and comfortable with his familiar surroundings. CNN is blaring, "Horror over the Hudson". There are about 100 things I didn't get to today. "Work" gets in the way. Work being my job with the US Census and my freelance marketing & promotion of coconut water job. These things I do for extra money whilst I build my dream career.

Dream career. It has taken me a long time to find it. Started as an actor back in NY, became a performance artist, a singer, lived the "struggling artist" life, the underground scene, totally committed to it, a fascination. From live theatre and clubs in the East Village to horror punk and the LA music scene. Trying to leave it all behind and finding myself right back where I started. Except now I believe I can be an artist, which I am, and also make money. Live a comfortable life. What is so wrong with that?

My whole life I sought out discomfort in some way. I thought it was noble and admirable to be poor. I thought it was how it had to be and also on some level I thought it's what I deserved. The penance I must do. I am finished with that. I want freedom. I want the comfort to pursue what I want to pursue. I want the personal power and freedom to do it. I want to help others. Fund vacations and bring loved ones together. Have a lovely home. Wear clothes I actually like. Express myself through my surroundings.

Now I certainly know money is not everything. People are everything. Love and spirit and nature. I am clear. And this whole notion of "comfort" makes me uncomfortable on some level, but I'd like to change that. In fact, it's always been a sort of dirty word for me and I'd like to distinguish: I still and hopefully will always believe it is important to not get "too comfortable" in terms of not challenging oneself, becoming complacent, and etc... however, I am finally coming to believe that it's not wrong to wish for or have a comfortable life. Money is a form of positive energy that can help people and create positive change in my own life and the lives of others. I can certainly be more of a help to everyone if I am not struggling with the basics. I used to somehow equate money with evil, being bad or something. So done with that. I wish success and freedom for myself and for all in the physical world. After all it is where we live.

So back to the dream career. A year ago it came to me. I had been doing a year of "career dating" after a most horrible computer job that ended up destroying me physically, spiritually and emotionally. I had gotten out of this bad job and while nursing a broken down body, a "frozen shoulder", carpal tunnel, tendonitis, a bad back and the like, I decided to explore other career possibilities. My whole adult life I had been an artist and had a zillion other crappy jobs to compensate for that, and I was finally committed to getting out of the entertainment business and moving on. I'd do anything. Really, I threw up my hands and said I will do anything God, just tell me what! And I explored this career and that. I looked into grad school for teaching and Social Work and I looked at massage schools and Homeopathy. I applied for and was accepted to a Fellowship for the Mental Health Industry and at the end of that I decided it wasn't for me. All these different options but nothing seemed quite right. Not right enough to actually commit to.

Now this whole time I had been doing a radio show. "DJ" was another career I looked at, until I realized I was way too late for it, had no connections and would probably have to move to a bum fuck town to get a 2 am slot that paid about $12/hr if I was lucky. But I had developed this music show and was renting out studio space each week, recording a live show and then archiving it as a podcast. And I started realizing I loved it. I loved the mic. I loved being totally hidden and yet totally heard. It kind of took many things I had worked on my whole life- performance, communication, sharing my voice, using my creativity-and rolled it into this new fascinating, totally dangerous and safe thing that felt right.

Could it be that I tried so hard to escape doing something creative only to be sucked back into it insidiously? I thought I was just doing the radio show for fun, but I couldn't help but see that it was really the only thing that made me feel alive. The only thing I could really get behind one hundred percent.

So I dipped my toe in. Let me take a class. I took one VO class and then another and then a third and began to realize, this could be it. What I've been looking for. A way to make great money, have a nice - dare I say - comfortable life and still be creative, not to mention allows for a flexible schedule that accomodates having a family and a life outside of work. Sounds like a dream.

So for this past year I have been studying, making my commercial demo, making connections, learning and laying the foundation. I have realized that I just don't fit in the box. Voiceover is a lovely out of the box profession. I just need a lot of patience, faith, and unwavering commitment.

Hope you will join me in my journey.